I wish i could know…
What to do with all these thoughts and feelings
A seemingly big mess of ‘stuff’ that i just cannot avoid
Am i a good person? Really? I’ve been over so many scenarios – so many conflicts that have occured over the past few years. It doesn’t feel good. It feels MESSY. It feels unresolved. In pretty much every situation, wounded people were involved. People who lashed out. I lashed out. It wasn’t pretty. It was a chain of events. It was a chain of people. It felt like a nightmare had become my living life. I felt like i was pushed out of my old life. Attempts to reach out were met with more opposition. People had AGENDAS. Plans for me. I don’t think many of them saw me as i was – they wanted to feel important, in one way or another, and that involved them seeing me thru their eyes and intentions…
I still don’t understand it. How people can be so blind and self motivated to make a man going thru a rough time even worse by pushing their agendas onto him? I felt like god had forgotten me at times. Other times i felt like my life was no longer worth living. It was HELL. Just when i thought i had found some peace, some safe space, someone else turned on me. Why? Because i liked their friend, or i had a different point of view to them, or they didn’t like my facebook status updates…
I’ve since found out that pretty much everyone had also reacted in similar ways to other people. I was another target – collateral damage. I really started to lose my faith in people. It was a chain reaction – one person, after another, after another. All wounded. All affected my their own, unique situation and circumstance.
I said No. I said i didn’t want to continue conversations. I asked an old friend to stop being a dick on my facebook posts. In return, i was blamed for not taking responsibility for my life. My character (which they barely knew) was torn apart. I was hammered with anger. I asked someone who was messaging me for free tech support to stop. At 7am on a saturday morning. They replied it was my responsibility to as a ‘single man’ to put my phone on silent, and then sent me a diatribe about all the problems in their life, how i was aloof, and they only asked for help four times.
Every. Single. Person took no responsibility for their actions, and turned it on me.
I slowly learned that a lot of people i was hanging out with, or even reaching out to, were TOXIC.